Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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