3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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