I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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