i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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