Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
