She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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