Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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