What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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