dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
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He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?