Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
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I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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