Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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