New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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