Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
