Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
