i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
