what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
