I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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