New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
