Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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