My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
