We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
