I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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