Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
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