sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
