I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Of course I have a pirate flag
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
