We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
