I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
