You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
