"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
