it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
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: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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