It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
