i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
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I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
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So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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