At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
