i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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