Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So much Jack, so little girl.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We are all done wearing pants today
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
