a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
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can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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