i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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