Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
