A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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