Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
