Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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