Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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