If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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