So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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