Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
PANTIES FOUND
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
