Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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