Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
