I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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