I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
