fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I touched a dick in church today
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
