I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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