I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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