I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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