He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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