Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize