i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
