I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
