FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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