I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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